Thursday, May 10, 2007

Free Sample

Sample supermarket maven
veteran of persuasion!
Her secret life,
series of bloody,
unrelenting moments of horror

There is an unspoken code among those who make a profession of the supermarket sample gig. They are the seasoned experts at creating a moment of enticement--appealing to senses of smell and taste, one spear of toothpick precision to your very core. They are seductress and alchemist: tempting with timing. Ah, the banal shopper will be enticed yet! Come, gather 'round the card table: Jimmy Dean sausage, you say? A coupon, you say? They are themselves delectables to be savored with great fervor, then ignored. They are masters of detachment, knowing their sisters of the streets well. Never, never get emotionally involved. It's just a job.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Yakov's Lines That Kill/Un Wodka Un Vine

"America: What a country!"

- I misunderstanding of American life and custom through the eyes of a new immigrant. For instance, reading employment announcements of "Part-Time Woman Wanted": What a country! Even transvestites can get work!

- I was offered a position as a barman on a "graveyard shift". A bar in a cemetery! What a country! Last call? During Happy Hour the place must be dead.

- At the grocery store: Powdered milk, powdered eggs, baby powder . . . what a country!

- The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me 'How many in your party?' and I said "Six hundred million."

- We have no gay people in Russia—there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that.

- You have such nice things in the U.S.—like warning shots!

- In the Soviet Union, we have no prostitution. Russian women have trouble giving it away.

- Russian women: At 20, they look 40. At 40, they look 60. At 60—don't look.

- Instead of Disneyland, we have "Dissident Land"--it's so fun there that no one ever leaves!

- "There are no Taco Bells in Russia. They didn't like the slogan, 'Run for the border.'


Ivan Rebroff: My brother has had this album for years. It is an inspiration to alcoholics everywhere.

Now my own joke: Franzia: It's like Capri Sun for alcoholics! I SLAY MYSELF. Franzia has always been the disgruntled housewife's drink of choice.

Eddie Rabbitt I

Eddie Rabbit performs in Branson, Missouri, a place where Bridget and I will someday see the original Borat, Yakov Shmirnoff.

I wrote a collaborative poem with some friends regarding Mr. Rabbit (later posting). It was a great success, as the disjointed lines we wrote prior to putting the poem together in its purest, oral form, seemed to fittingly and eloquently crystallize the sudden and absurd fascination with Eddie Rabbit that night.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Eric Von Zippah

I've always adored Harvey Lembeck in this role, but thre was always Mother, Juggs, and Speed.

Chukotka Autonomous Okrug

Chukotka Autonomous Okrug (Russian: Чуко́тский автоно́мный о́круг, tr.: Chukotsky avtonomny okrug; Chukchi: Чукоткакэн автономныкэн округ), or Chukotka (Чуко́тка), is a federal subject of Russia (an autonomous okrug) located in the Far Eastern Federal District. It is the farthest northeast region of Russia, and since the sale of Alaska to the United States is the only region of Russia lying partially in the western geographical hemisphere. It is washed by the Bering Sea and the East Siberian Sea. Chukotka has an area of 737,700 km² and population of 53,824 (according to 2002 Census), and just over 55,000 in 2004. The principal town and administrative center is Anadyr.

Chukotka was formerly an autonomous okrug subsumed within Magadan Oblast, but it declared its separation in 1991; a move that was confirmed by the Russian Constitutional Court in 1993.

Elgygytgyn Lake, an important site for scientific research on climate change, is located in Chukotka.

Traditionally the home of the native Chukchi people, Siberian Yupiks, Koryaks, Chuvans, Evens/Lamuts, Yukagirs, and Russian Old Settlers, the region was subject to collectivisation and forced settlement during the Soviet era.

Chukotka has large reserves of oil, natural gas, coal, gold, and tungsten, which are slowly being exploited, but much of the rural population exists on subsistence reindeer herding, hunting, and fishing. The urban population is employed in mining, administration, construction, cultural work, education, medicine, and other occupations.

Chuck E. Sellier, Creator, Bulk of the Series, Not Exactly A Lightweight

Check out this awesome tribute site to Grizzly Adams.