Saturday, May 05, 2007

Yakov's Lines That Kill/Un Wodka Un Vine

"America: What a country!"

- I misunderstanding of American life and custom through the eyes of a new immigrant. For instance, reading employment announcements of "Part-Time Woman Wanted": What a country! Even transvestites can get work!

- I was offered a position as a barman on a "graveyard shift". A bar in a cemetery! What a country! Last call? During Happy Hour the place must be dead.

- At the grocery store: Powdered milk, powdered eggs, baby powder . . . what a country!

- The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me 'How many in your party?' and I said "Six hundred million."

- We have no gay people in Russia—there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that.

- You have such nice things in the U.S.—like warning shots!

- In the Soviet Union, we have no prostitution. Russian women have trouble giving it away.

- Russian women: At 20, they look 40. At 40, they look 60. At 60—don't look.

- Instead of Disneyland, we have "Dissident Land"--it's so fun there that no one ever leaves!

- "There are no Taco Bells in Russia. They didn't like the slogan, 'Run for the border.'


Ivan Rebroff: My brother has had this album for years. It is an inspiration to alcoholics everywhere.

Now my own joke: Franzia: It's like Capri Sun for alcoholics! I SLAY MYSELF. Franzia has always been the disgruntled housewife's drink of choice.

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